The Notebook

Before we told the kids about our separation, I reached out to a friend of mine who separated from her husband when their kids were around my kids’ age. She was so gracious and shared many helpful tips about this very sensitive subject. She referred me to the child psychologist they used (who is phenomenal!). She also told me how she and her ex-husband worked together to help their kids talk about their feelings.

After we told the kids about our separation, I noticed that Lola would completely shut down whenever we talked about what was happening. I would tuck her into bed at night and ask her how she was doing and she would respond with just “OK” or “I’m fine” or “we’ve already talked about this.” I knew this change was bothering her but I could not get her to open up to me.

So, I decided to change my approach. One night, I crawled in bed next to my Sweets and proposed that we have a notebook that we pass back and forth between us. I told her she could use it to ask me anything she wanted and that nothing would be off limits. I promised her that everything in it would be our secret. She could write in it and leave it in my room, then I would respond and return it to her.

She loved the idea. One day, Lewis caught me writing in it and demanded his own notebook. Rightly so.

Finding these notebooks in my room at unexpected times always makes my day. We’ve talked about a number of topics in these notebooks. Their notes are unbelievable. They make me laugh and cry (sometimes in the same note). Most of all, they allow us to be vulnerable with each other in ways that are harder to do in face-to-face. These notebooks have brought us closer together.

Over time, we’ve needed the notebooks less and less and now, they just come to me and say whatever’s on their minds. (There are days when their questions make me miss having the notebooks as a crutch.) I’m thankful for their willingness to share with me.